A Very Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year to You All

When we last saw our hero, he was touching down in Guayaquil. He’d had to endure the entire flight in the cheap seats because he’d bought the cheapest tickets for the really really cheap seats & so couldn’t upgrade them for the usual, nominal fee. He arrived in baggage claim feeling anything but hero-ey, though at least his bag was almost the first off the carousel.

They call these tickets Economy L, they should call them Economy F…….. for false!

 

Midnight Express

He approached customs with the adrenaline pumping as a mix of guilt induced fear,coursed through his body. Its the one we all experience when dealing with “Officials”, or at least, one does, if one is from a good home. So it was even more uncomfortable knowing he had plenty to be guilty about. As he collects his bag & makes his way across the wide marble floor, he scans the inspection area ahead. The pump in his chest  beating so loudly his ears may blow before his heart does as he reaches the critical moment. Expelling a single, calming breath, he lifts his bag onto the x-ray conveyor that all luggage must pass through on its way out of the building. It sat there, singular in its blatancy, alone in its vulnerability. The x-ray operator & his two associates were engaged in conversation & did not appear interested in our Hero or his bag. After an uncomfortable silence, a guard turned to face him, a single bead of sweat trickled from his hairline as the guard pushed the button to start the conveyor. The bag jerked, then headed into the open tunnel …….& passed all the way through. No one watched the monitor, no alarms sounded, no one even looked up.

He had been playing a role, acting all cool at the entry to bag search, but now on the other side, almost home free, this was no time to be loitering. There is no barrier, no detector to walk through, just a few short steps away from reaching the other side. Confidence was   the key, though he had never felt less sure of himself as he took a half step & then another, he followed that with a stride. As he turned to pick up the bag, his eyes caught the approaching crowd now departing the baggage claim, many pushing two trolleys, piled high with goodies from far away lands. The guards came alert as one, while Attenborough takes over the narration, describing with his perfectly measured gravity, their final few minutes as they too approach customs & cash cow is on the menu.

Outside haling a taxi, a smile across his face, a sparkle in his eye & a reassuring hand on the jar of Marmite in his holdall, El Ingles once more stepped back into Ecuador………

 

From Here to Eternity

Due to the late arrival time of the Iberia flight, I stayed over for the night in Guayaquil & treated myself to a suite in a nearby airport hotel. I say treated – it was a suite, they let me smoke & enabled the cable TV as well as giving me breakfast before ordering me a cab – but it only cost me $40. The cabs in Guayaquil are pretty good – you give them a nominal distance & preferred amount to spend & they whisk you to the hotel they would choose with those criteria. Of course, if you ask for Hilton, Sheraton etc they will happily take you, but the cab fare will be at least double & you realise you’ve just been “Gringoed”

The other reason I stayed over was that I had arranged to meet my immigration lawyer for my final push towards residency. Naturally my lawyer couldn’t make it, she was in Canada for Xmas with her husband, but as there are no qualifications or training required to be a “lawyer” here, it seemed perfectly natural for her mother to step in & help me in my quest.

A new law last year has meant that any application, reapplication & sometimes even a general enquiry, must be accompanied by “Moviemento Migracion”. This is just a typed record of the entry/exit stamps in your passport. I had one before I left in June, but as I’d left & then returned, I now needed an update, seemingly regardless of the fact they had both my passport & a photocopy of each page. Obviously this document issue requires its own office department, so whilst I sat & waited for my turn, I watched 17 people receive their document ahead of me. It was 11am by this time, so Im guessing maybe 30 people so far that morning. Before you actually get the piece of paper, you have to go to another desk to pay the $5 fee. Now, as this isn’t my first time, Im well aware of the difficulties encountered when trying to pay with denominations above $10, so whilst I had a few $50’s & $20’s for rent etc, most of my cash was in 5’s & 10’s. Not wishing to waste an opportunity to change big bills, I guessed there were at least 20 $5 in the cashiers box & pulled out a $20. The girl behind the desk looked at me, looked at the note, then looked back at me, her face breaking into misery. A soft moan escaped her lips as she mumbled an inconsolable stream of regret. Her misery was so clearly fake, I simply stood & stared. She began to wail. I desperately tried to place her – had I sold her children into slavery, had I cut down her husband at the time of her greatest need, did I poison her dog? No! My lawyers mum explained she probably had a sideline exchanging big notes & I was interfering in her business. I had no choice but to hand over one of my own precious $5 & watch helplessly as she gleefully stuffed it into a drawer already overflowing with small bills. Her smile as she stamped my paper spoke volumes & I shivered a little as we stepped back out into the sun.

Of course, when we reached the next Municipal building to submit my papers, they weren’t the right ones, there were some missing & I would need to return on Monday. I did indeed return Monday when the missing papers were no longer required, but other previously submitted papers now were, so would need to be provided again. Every other day for two weeks running up to Christmas I made the 6hr round trip to play footsie with the administration, until finally they accepted the application, took my photo for my ID card & told me it will be ready in 15 – 30 days. Its now nearly February & no, its still not ready yet. Yes I should be frustrated, I could get angry, especially as 1^st December they changed the visa law & the 6 month visa I had to return to UK for, wait 6 months & pay $400 is now free & issued on entry to Ecuador without application………….                               I continue to breath, slowly & deeply J

Diner

Knowing I would be back in Olon by Friday I had called ahead & booked my place for the Comuna Dinner. Sadly most of the people I had known from the Summer were no longer here, but the whole point is that those who are, get together, eat well, chat about experiences & where possible, help each other out. So its good to get new blood. Now I don’t think I told you that I lost my rented apartment whilst I was on enforced leave back in UK. Yes I knew there was a reservation for November, but at the time I took it on, there had been no word from the reservee for at least a year, so no one expected them to ever turn up. Of course they did show up, meaning I now needed a new place to stay. I was currently in a cheap local hotel & all my stuff from before was in storage at my previous landlords place – a situation far from ideal.

Dinner was fun & all, but no one knew of any vacancies & with high season fast approaching, the outlook was bleak. Then a woman by the name of Stacey strolled in looking for a late drink & someone to offload all her frustrations on – she too is currently in the process of applying for residency – so she took a seat next to me like an Alabama bug on a bald bucks backside. When she finally paused long enough to take a gulp of wine I asked her where she was living & if she knew of any vacancies. To my surprise, yes she did & made the call there n then. 11am the following morning I met the delightful Carolina in a little town (more of a hamlet), just up the road from Olon. Stacey had been hoping to move into the big white house, but knew there was a place available just next door. Smaller, though no less desirable, this 2 bed casa was available & going for less than I was paying previously……

A Room With A View

The house is not beautiful & its not how I would have designed it, but that doesn’t matter. Its two double bedrooms, both en-suite. A large open plan downstairs, again with w/c & also fridge, microwave etc (this isn’t usual!), a large BBQ area, lawns to the front & oh yes, its on the beach. By this I mean step out the front gate onto sand, on the beach. Yes there are a few strategically placed coconut palms to disrupt the sea breeze, but at high tide its less than 20 paces to the sea. I love it!

This hamlet is called Curia & is very quiet. So quiet & very sleepy – even the cockerels whisper their morning glory & I can go days without seeing more than 2 people. There is a beach bar, though just the one & this only opens at weekends (for the tourists). The loudest thing in fact is the sea, which provides something of a white noise roar & if Im honest, took a few weeks to get used to, but now I am, everything sounds a little strange without it. There is no mistaking the beauty of the sunset though, as seen from just about anywhere in the house, its Technicolor glory fills the front of the house with light as it slips behind the blue horizon – I see the most people at this time of the day as we all head to the beach to watch – no drama, no ceremony, just pleasure 🙂

Animal House

We had a party for NY – more on that later – & we left the garden gate open. One of the chickens that roam freely around here, found its way into my garden. It got shooed out the following morning, so no harm, no fowl 😉 Chillin on my deck the next day, I was amazed to see said chicken doing its best Mel Gibson impression by launching itself at the top of the wall. A quick hop down on to the moist grass & it was up to its giblets in fat juicy worms. Now Ive always thought that chickens are essentially a close knit brood, but after watching this chicken’s endeavours for a few days, it seems shes kept this (life hack) to herself as no other hen has even tried to scale the wall. The result, I can always pick out my “Rocky” as she is significantly fatter than all the other skinny white chicks 😉

On the balcony one evening, the sun well & truly over the yard arm, I saw something in the surf. It hadn’t been there earlier, so I watched it as the next wave came in & it was pushed & pulled with the water, but I still had no idea what it was. The next wave turned it & I saw a beak, it was a pelican. As above, it was past margarita time, which probably explains why I got the idea in my head that the Pelican, lets call him Pete, had sunk in the sand & was going to drown. I dragged myself out of the hammock & went down to the beach. Pete did not appear to be in a good way. His beak snapping listlessly at my approach, he did nothing to get out of the way, but the next wave tipped him so I could clearly see he wasnt stuck in the sand. Whats the right thing to do in this situation, let nature take its course or try to help. If help, what is that exactly – I wish Id paid more attention to Steve Irwin as I decided it stood a better chance if it could breathe, & a bird doesnt breathe water, so I picked him up & headed for high ground. I went out later that night & Pete was still there when I got home, though clearly getting some much needed rest. He was not there when I got up in the morning, though nor were there feathers, so for now he has flown off to find his friends & will pop back sometime to say thanks. In the fullness of time I may have to accept its R.I.Pete, but for now he’s my first animal rescue & we both need the win!

Carolina & her husband (Enrique) live in an adjoining apartment to the rear of my house & their two cats can often be seen out on the prowl, but never approach me & scamper away sharpish if I disturb their sleepy ,sun-drenched reverie. Then one day about a month after I moved in, they took a tentative step inside. A week later they were staying over night & now they howl if I don’t let them drape themselves across me on the sofa whilst enjoying a film. Though not quite the pussy Trump is now famous for grabbing, its good to know I still have some animal magnetism 😉 Best of all, when they both lept up one night, scaring the bejeesus out of me, I was relieved to find the remains of a rather large spider the following morning. They had identified a threat & dealt with it accordingly to protect their new master. It’s the first spider I have seen in Ecuador & coincidentally also the first morning I put milk down for the cats. A natural balance had been established. Of course there are plenty of geckos & a diverse range of birds, including the tiny humming bird that all frequent the property, but these last are all too quick to be captured by this lumbering cameraman…….

Over The Garden Wall

Roey, an Israeli entrepreneur who owns La Casa Rosa in Olon, has grown into a good friend. Im a little in awe  of him after hearing how, after leaving the army & spending time with his brother in Brixton, he hopped on a plane to the states, bought a bicycle & made his way down through Central America & then on down through Colombia to Ecuador. He’s only mid 30’s but has a thriving business with his restaurant & now offers Surf/Yoga retreats which are booked right through to the summer. He speaks about seven languages & has been a tremendous help to me, with translation, assistance & of course, someone to hang out & be friends with. This goes both ways of course & I offer him an experienced sounding board as well as construction advice & business methodology – we complement each other well!

We agreed that whilst his place had appeal, it was mostly accidental & so we devised a plan to maximise the potential. Part of this involved the rendering of a long wall, which I offered to do for him – it gave me a chance to discover how hard it is to work with local tools/materials & the nightmare that is working in 30+deg heat – cement dries on the trowel before you can even get it on the wall. So we did it in stages, waiting till the lunch service was over & before evening began. Over the course of a few days, we worked our way along the wall as more & more people would wander up to the doors. Roey always went out to talk to them, apologising that he was closed  – the doors were only open because we were working & they usually wandered off after a few minutes. For some reason this always made him laugh, but it wasn’t until after I had finished that he told me none of them were there to eat – word had gotten around that a Gringo was working & they’d all come to see the wall & watch me work. Luckily the local Maestro approved of my work & people Ive never met know who I am now 🙂

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence

Christmas Day, in fact the whole of the festive period is not my favourite time of year. This year was different! Ecuadorians celebrate with a meal at midnight on Christmas eve & that’s it over & done with. So having been invited by friends, I adopted the local tradition, enjoying deep fried Turkey – its amazingly moist – but still managed a reasonably early night & awoke feeling refreshed & looking forward to the day. An enjoyable but rather quick Skype with the family back home was a nice way to start my day – theirs was about to dish up turkey, hence the rush – & after a shower I waited for Roey to pick me up. We were heading up the coast with a couple of girls we’d met a few days earlier in Montanita. We packed a picnic & as Roey is an instructor, he was going to teach us to surf, or at least that was the intent. To be fair to him he tried, but the girls were still drunk from the night before & well, lets just say its not a skill that comes naturally to me….. It was a fun day though as we played games, splashed & frolicked & if you concentrated real hard, you could just about imagine Cliff Richard providing the summery fun soundtrack 😉

Eyes Wide Shut

On the Wednesday between Christmas & New Year there was a small party on the beach – a fire, a selection of musical instruments & people from Argentina to Adisababa. It was here I met a girl. Someone led me over to a small group of people, introducing as we went, most nodding & smiling in  greeting. I didn’t really catch her name, but as she turned, she glowed. I don’t just mean she had good skin, I mean she radiated light. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a choir of angels had burst forth into song. I was quite literally smitten at first sight. I giggled, picturing myself as Jim Carey the moment he first sees Cameron Diaz in The Mask, eyes & heart leaping out on stalks.

It turns out her name was Dakota & she was a nanny from Amarillo, Texas & over here looking after the kids of another couple Id met earlier. We talked, we laughed, we clicked & when the party was over, I positively skipped all the way home as her smile permeated my every thought. I couldn’t wait to see her again. She came to our NYE party (again, more on that later) & we were clearly both as excited as the other to see each other again. We’d barely even kissed, but it felt right & as far as I was concerned, would only get better. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see her much after that, the children kept her busy, she lived further down the coast & she didn’t have a phone, but when I did, she was always with the father of the children in her care. The father, his name is Quinn, is something of an eccentric & has some strong views on the best way to live life. He was entertaining though & I found it interesting to listen to him talk. I then began to notice his talking had a purpose, a direction he was taking things with what I would consider, basic psychology techniques. He was trying to get people to engage with him & with me specifically, he tried all sorts to provoke the desired response, he just wasn’t prepared for the logical anomaly that is my mind, or capable of leading me where I didn’t want to go. It troubled me though, so I spoke to Dakota about her boss.

“Hes wonderful isn’t he?!”, er no, hes a raving loony that annoys people with his manipulation 101!

“Its such a shame that not everyone understands his teachings”, ok, hold up, wait a minute…say what?!

“you’ve probably realised that Im not really a nanny, in fact they are my children, or rather our children”. So are you saying you are “with him”??

“we are all with him”. Ok, so either you are Mormons, or this is starting to sound very much like a cult!!

“Before we came here we started the Garden of Eden, we are a self sustaining autonomous commune”. So definitely a cult then!

I would continue with the dialogue, but its sad & depressing, both of itself & as a memory. She continued with her adulation, I explained why this was not the best way forward for her – she had been a disillusioned teenager in a dead end job back in Amarillo when she first met him & he had changed her life into something wonderful. Constantly doing his bidding was nothing compared to the life he provided for her/them. She’s 25 now, fully under his spell & can see nothing wrong with how he dictates her life. “how could you want to be with me but not want to be a part of this life?”  You are hot & he is a sociopath turned out to be the wrong answer & so sadly we parted ways. Id like to think she will keep my number & just maybe, one day she will realise she is worth more & her decisions should be her own.  Of course I did ask & she denied ever having been offered Koolaid, so for now at least she is “safe”

Boogie Nights

As with every New Year all around the globe, theres always loads going on, but its largely all a disappointment, so when Roey asked me if I fancied putting on a party, “Hell Yeah” was the only response. We established how we wanted it to be & set about researching potential venues. Needless to say, almost all had their own event planned or were closed with no intention of opening. After a few rums we realised that I already had the perfect venue, we just needed some equipment & a few supplies. The supplies were no problem – water, plastic cups, water melon for the morning & some decorative lighting – all we couldn’t get were the speakers. Now almost every store, shop & restaurant has at least one large, active speaker. Through these they blare extremely low res, pirated from youtube music at a volume designed to shred the speaker cones & any ear drums within 50 feet, but do you think any of these were available….no they were not! We called it off on Thursday, but on the promise of a mate of a mate of a mate, there might be a speaker available & so it was back on. Our networking skills must’ve been on fire as we ended up with two speakers & after some technical wiring on my behalf, had created a bass bin & a set of mid/tops. This was no Gillman Audio sound, but coupled with my lossless audio files, we achieved the best quality sound Ive heard in Ecuador! I recorded the session & split it in two. You can hear them here:

part one: https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/sisutton/episodes/2017-01-08T10_23_57-08_00

part two: https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/sisutton/episodes/2017-01-15T03_34_02-08_00

We set a fire on the beach, we hung hammocks & cleared the furniture & valuables from inside. We only had 20 foot of extension lead, so we had to set the decks up in the front garden, but that actually seemed to work better than setting up on the beach in the end. Danilo, who owns the beach bar, is the son of El Primo De Curia, in other words, the main man, so we approached him for permission to run all night & he approved. We spent the Friday & Saturday in Montanita, inviting every pretty girl we could see, a gesture many of their boyfriends didn’t see the funny side of, but we didn’t care, it was hilarious fun….I should prolly have said, there was a fair amount of rum involved & as a result, caution & diplomacy went right out the window 🙂

As it turned out, we think about 50 people turned up throughout the night, but as we were spread across a wide area, it never actually felt busy, or put another way, it mostly felt empty. Everyone we spoke to though said they had a fantastic time & the music was wonderful… There were still people turning up at 4am & with no holds barred, there was skinny dipping & jolly japes throughout. I had intended to start at midnight, but there were so many fireworks being set off on the beach, even the crabs were developing PTSD, so we held off for half an hour. I played through until the sun came up at 6am, we bought out the water melon & eased our way into the New Year as the warmth spread across the sand. We consider it a success & El Primo, who took the time to come down & say hello, has asked me to play the town festival on Feb 26^th – as I said, its no more than a hamlet, so they are probably pushed for talent to fill the bill, but I don’t mind, I think of it as acceptance & Im more than happy with that J

Bob The Builder (yes they made a film of it!)

The weeks after NY I spent continuing to network & struggling to find any of the people I needed. One day by chance I saw someone I knew & went over to chat. They introduced me to who they  were chatting to & before I knew it, I had a connection. Of course, this is Ecuador, so the email I had turned out to be wrong, as did the next one & the one after that, but eventually after a week of trying, I got the number of his girlfriend & we had a meeting on site arranged. The guy, Jarret,  couldn’t make it in the end, so he sent his father & business partner, Bob. Bob is old school Pennsylvania Dutch & came here seven years ago with his son & two back hoe excavators & hasn’t  looked back since. We immediately hit it off & as I ran through my plans, he assured me we were golden. This was Friday, so when we were done with our meeting & agreed we would start on site Wednesday, he offered to buy me a beer. So off we set down the road, heading inland along a road I hadn’t been down before & there at the end was a kind of shack, so we got off his bike & went inside. It was basic but clean, although the music was a little loud. We sat down with our beer & continued with tales of our past experiences on site, he was facing the bar, I was facing the room & I couldn’t help wonder why the other six or so guys were all sitting at tables on their own, evenly spaced around the edge of the room. A door at the back of the room opened, a guys stepped out & was followed to the threshold by a scantily clad young lady. I nudged Bob “looks like someone was having fun in the loo!”, “Nope, that’s not the loo…..I may’ve forgotten to tell you, this is your local bordello”. Two other doors open in reasonably quick succession & the bar woman (also owner) turns the music back down. Turns out the whole back wall contains 3 “bedrooms”, but they have no roof or ceiling, so when someone goes in, they turn the music up to mask the chanson d’amour.    I like this place 🙂

It turns out that prostitution is legal – there used to be a big problem with incest amongst the locals, so the government legalised brothels around the same time they criminalised incest, which appears to have been a relative success, though a little confusing for the guy who’s mum works there 😉 The big thing is that these girls run the place, not the owner, she is only responsible for the building. They set their rate, they decide who they entertain & who they don’t & there is a government sponsored health official that checks them every month & the police are on speed dial if anyone oversteps the mark. I chatted to one of the girls & she seemed not only happy in her work, but actually very proud of the service she provides & of course, by comparison, she earns very well. I didn’t get into the specifics of the menu system, but suffice it to say, the full works will cost you $10, which whilst that doesn’t sound like very much, is equal to about half a days pay for the average guy,  which is about the same ratio as everywhere else in the world…..apparently, ahem ; )

So Bob & I are now like old friends & as we say goodbye, we look forward to continuing on site Wednesday. Jarret calls me on Tuesday, they have run over, so can we push it to Thursday? Of course, no problem …….& then Thursday the skies erupt. I don’t mean a light shower, Im talking biblical floods here! The roads become rivers & its so hard it actually hurts when it hits you, which it does, a lot! We make an attempt to start, but we can all see that its dangerous & non productive, so we abandon site & call it a bordello day 😀

The rain finally stops on Saturday, so after a day to dry out, we make a start on Monday. Theres a limit to what we can do, but the important thing for me is to be able to see what Im doing. Naturally all the site clearance I did back in May has now regrown, but I also have about half a dozen trees that cut across site, with one being in the dining room & the rest in the swimming pool, so they have to go. Im not a complete hylophobe, so rather than just cut them down, we attempted to replant  them at the end of my property, which will hopefully become a green wall in the fullness of time. It went well, so with all the water we’ve had, they stand at least a 50/50 chance of surviving…. I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Bob as he expertly turned my green oasis into a smooth brown  canvas, ready to be marked out & have levels set. It wasn’t just that he was best left to it – even though I took a hat & it was overcast most of the day, Im pretty sure I got heat or sunstroke & have felt rough ever since – be warned, if you come over, protection isn’t just for Bordello days!! 😉

Ive made contact with another guy who, depending on how tomorrows meeting goes, may well be my foreman & we can really get things moving – more on that story as it develops, but the significant thing for me is, Ive broken ground, there’s no going back & everyday from now on is progress in one form or another…..can I get an Amen?!

Best Exotic Marigold

By chance a buddy from Vocal Booth, John Spoor is over here visiting the Galapogos & all being well we will meet up tomorrow night & spend the weekend together – not sure if he will come to the beach or I will head into the city, but it will be good to meet up. Further bookings are coming thick & fast with my mother coming over Feb, Jeff in March & Wally hoping to make it in April, so check your holiday entitlement people & let me know your dates. Just so you know, its super sunny till June, then its still lovely n warm, but white sky through till December. June is also when the whales can be seen from the beach, though better close up from a boat unless its an albino, then you row & you row like you’ve never rowed before!

…….So I think that’s enough for now – I do always intend for these updates to be shorter, but when I sit down to write…..I just have so much I want to share 🙂

Si x